Looking Back

I should have been reflecting as I finished the weeks, and I'm amazed at how much I wrote in the first weeks and then totally fell down on the job for the remaining weeks. I left in the morning on Friday, July 16 for a trip to Boston, then NYC to see my friend Tom and his wife. I had trouble leaving. The last couple days found me grumpy and a bit emotional, even though I think I suffered from being homesick and a bit lonely the first two weeks. I also realized that though I really enjoyed Maine, I had ambivalent feelings about all the reading and the acquaintences I made, not so much because I didn't enjoy everything, but because I realized I wouldn't really want this type of situation to continue. It was what it was--a gathering of people whose lives had been temporarily left behind who had gathered for a particular purpose. That part hadn't changed; it wasn't like I was back in high school journalism camp at Ball State University where I fell hard for a fellow camper from some high school in Indiana. Oh, I don't want to go, he's so cute, etc., etc.

So what was the concern? And this may also answer my friend Lucy's question about what I've learned from this little adventure. In part, it was that for five weeks, even though there were distractions of many kinds, and the expectation that I would go to the meetings and do the work, it still very much felt like I could focus on and do what I wanted. Take a bike ride on a sunny afternoon? Sure! Go to ladies' night out? Of course. There developed a fear and a certain sadness that such freedom would not translate back to Cincinnati. Yes, I could bike there. Sure I could meet friends. But there would be the reminder of the school work to prepare, the writing to do, the house that needs so much work, and even more pleasurably, the sons with whom I'd like to spend some time. In other words, my world, like everyone's I'm sure, is multiple with many more reasons to be pulled off-task. And, I realized yet again, I am not the world's best and ablest focuser. I find it difficult to harness my energies to accomplish the task at hand, partly because I find it hard to answer (or don't want to answer) the question of what "the" task is that is at hand. This one or that? (or that? or that?)

Unless I want to continue to struggle and feel somewhat less than satisfied with any or all of the things I do seek to accomplish, I will have to figure this one out--how to get the jobs done with less anxiety and stress over them. I'm supposing I'm not the only one with this trouble, but I think some have found the knack for putting the necessary blinders on, and somewhat happily, to get jobs done sequentially. Any and all ideas welcome.

I did also learn that I can contribute to a new group of people and come across as intelligent and even somewhat interesting. I told that to a friend and he said, so why did you ever doubt that? That's good to hear, too. But in our routines, I think it's far too easy to get lost under the burden of what needs to get done next and forget that each of us has talents that other people appreciate and that are worthwhile seeing the light of day. Ah, confidence. Another slippery concept, like focus and organization, that can benefit from some reinforcement.

Another non-surprising observation is that I love being able to step out of the house and find an interesting place to walk (the beach, the woods) and to be able to walk or bike to places I need to go. I've been threatening to sell my house for years, but this complicates things. I can't walk or bike to anything here in the burbs, but I do love the nearby parks and the lush foliage that the east side offers that Clifton, for example, and even Oakley, just doesn't have in like measure. Since I also realized I like to be around people more than I find easily possible here in Anderson, however, that may push things over the edge to population of humans as opposed to trees.

So lessons that are clear and others that aren't so clear are still important, right? Well, yes, if I have the ability and energy and stamina to follow through with what I've learned from these things. I feel the need to plunge into work which I also find myself at the same time resisting. I do think being better about setting aside not only work time, but play time, is crucial both to enjoy life and to plan for it. The blog was useful for feeling connected, even if it was illusory. Obviously, I felt less of a need as the weeks went on and life became a little busier and somewhat more complicated. But it is a useful mechanism to sort things out, record memories, and to close chapters--while leaving doors open--as I'm about to do now.