Looking Back

I should have been reflecting as I finished the weeks, and I'm amazed at how much I wrote in the first weeks and then totally fell down on the job for the remaining weeks. I left in the morning on Friday, July 16 for a trip to Boston, then NYC to see my friend Tom and his wife. I had trouble leaving. The last couple days found me grumpy and a bit emotional, even though I think I suffered from being homesick and a bit lonely the first two weeks. I also realized that though I really enjoyed Maine, I had ambivalent feelings about all the reading and the acquaintences I made, not so much because I didn't enjoy everything, but because I realized I wouldn't really want this type of situation to continue. It was what it was--a gathering of people whose lives had been temporarily left behind who had gathered for a particular purpose. That part hadn't changed; it wasn't like I was back in high school journalism camp at Ball State University where I fell hard for a fellow camper from some high school in Indiana. Oh, I don't want to go, he's so cute, etc., etc.

So what was the concern? And this may also answer my friend Lucy's question about what I've learned from this little adventure. In part, it was that for five weeks, even though there were distractions of many kinds, and the expectation that I would go to the meetings and do the work, it still very much felt like I could focus on and do what I wanted. Take a bike ride on a sunny afternoon? Sure! Go to ladies' night out? Of course. There developed a fear and a certain sadness that such freedom would not translate back to Cincinnati. Yes, I could bike there. Sure I could meet friends. But there would be the reminder of the school work to prepare, the writing to do, the house that needs so much work, and even more pleasurably, the sons with whom I'd like to spend some time. In other words, my world, like everyone's I'm sure, is multiple with many more reasons to be pulled off-task. And, I realized yet again, I am not the world's best and ablest focuser. I find it difficult to harness my energies to accomplish the task at hand, partly because I find it hard to answer (or don't want to answer) the question of what "the" task is that is at hand. This one or that? (or that? or that?)

Unless I want to continue to struggle and feel somewhat less than satisfied with any or all of the things I do seek to accomplish, I will have to figure this one out--how to get the jobs done with less anxiety and stress over them. I'm supposing I'm not the only one with this trouble, but I think some have found the knack for putting the necessary blinders on, and somewhat happily, to get jobs done sequentially. Any and all ideas welcome.

I did also learn that I can contribute to a new group of people and come across as intelligent and even somewhat interesting. I told that to a friend and he said, so why did you ever doubt that? That's good to hear, too. But in our routines, I think it's far too easy to get lost under the burden of what needs to get done next and forget that each of us has talents that other people appreciate and that are worthwhile seeing the light of day. Ah, confidence. Another slippery concept, like focus and organization, that can benefit from some reinforcement.

Another non-surprising observation is that I love being able to step out of the house and find an interesting place to walk (the beach, the woods) and to be able to walk or bike to places I need to go. I've been threatening to sell my house for years, but this complicates things. I can't walk or bike to anything here in the burbs, but I do love the nearby parks and the lush foliage that the east side offers that Clifton, for example, and even Oakley, just doesn't have in like measure. Since I also realized I like to be around people more than I find easily possible here in Anderson, however, that may push things over the edge to population of humans as opposed to trees.

So lessons that are clear and others that aren't so clear are still important, right? Well, yes, if I have the ability and energy and stamina to follow through with what I've learned from these things. I feel the need to plunge into work which I also find myself at the same time resisting. I do think being better about setting aside not only work time, but play time, is crucial both to enjoy life and to plan for it. The blog was useful for feeling connected, even if it was illusory. Obviously, I felt less of a need as the weeks went on and life became a little busier and somewhat more complicated. But it is a useful mechanism to sort things out, record memories, and to close chapters--while leaving doors open--as I'm about to do now.

Another Sunny Weekend

It's Saturday, and I'm keening to take off again. Took a boat trip to Wood Island Lighthouse on Thursday and a day trip to the Portland environs, including Wiscasset north of Portland where the little hut called Reds was recommended as having the best lobster roll in Maine. It was a full lobster on a bun, and the picture shows me more than half way finished. You can see why I'm happy.

Sunshine

Yes, it's official. We saw the sun yesterday for a good part of the day. Of course, it didn't last, but it was glorious--shining brightly, then fogged in, then shining tentatively and then brightly again for hours before the thunder in the distance warned that we wouldn't close out the day without more rain. A few drops dampened a walk in Portland after dinner at a wonderful tapas bar, but the real rain held off until I was in bed, which is when it provided a soothing backdrop to sleep.

Keep this on the lowdown, but sunshine expected today and tomorrow as well. Crazy!

Mainers and "Friendliness"

I guess that's what they're called. Ohio = Ohioans; Maine = Mainians? Mainites? Mainers? I'll go with the last, though the first sounds better. They're a bit maniacal, so Mainians seems to fit better. I've decided they're not really friendly, as I thought they initially were, or not only, simply, uncomplicatedly friendly. They're difficultly friendly. And that goes for others in New England as well.

In the grocery stores, I ask a person stocking shelves where paper plates are, and he says, "Aisle 3" and as I start to thank him and turn, he says, "I'll take you there." Take me there? Grocery stores aren't exactly mazes. He runs into me later as I'm about to check out, and he asks if I'd found everything, and was everything okay. Yeee-essssss . . . . I say hesitatingly. Is he being sarcastic? The third time someone in different stores does that to/for me, I realize it's just how it works here--people, I think, want to please. My roommate asked in another grocery store if we could get the sale prices though we don't have the special store card, and not only did the managers she asked say yes, they tracked us down in the store to bring us our personal courtesy cards.

So it's friendliness, I think. Then I'm looking for the restroom in a Starbucks-type place on campus and walk into a room where I think the restrooms might be located, and instead there are study tables where everyone is reading, working on computers, etc. I'm about to turn and ask the barista, when one young man looks up from his computer, mouths "Restroom?" at me, and as I nod, points me in the direction around the corner where I can find them.

Okay, ah, nice.

Then, I'm traveling to Concord and stop at a Dunkin' Donuts (the Starbucks of Seattle Washington--one on every corner and the only coffee one can sometimes find), and find the bathroom door locked. I turn and a customer who's been talking to a friend at a table across the room calls out from his table, "they have keys for the bathroom; they're usually over there"--and he waves toward the counter where I do find the key and where I mumble a semi-gracious "thanks." Yeah, I'm glad to be directed to so many bathrooms (and no, that's not the only reason I travel), but nice has started to seem a bit pushy, like the next time I look perplexed, someone will walk me to the bathroom whether I want to go or not.

Then, of course, I have the Oracle of Walden Pond experience. And I think I've explained to every sales person in every store I go into where I'm from, why I'm here, when I'm leaving, and no, it's not because I'm volunteering all of this. It gets pumped out of me, like water from a well.

It's very nice in some ways, but I thought we Midwesterners were supposed to be friendly. We're downright freezing cold by comparison. I think we are also a bit inclined to let people be, as though we want to help, but we don't want to intrude. Here, there's no question of intrusion. It includes the cross-lane intrusions by major speeders on major highways as noted before, as well as drivers ready to turn into an intersection who do so by intruding half their car into the intersection into which they want to turn so that, as my friend Maggy whose lived in NE for five years said, you finally let them in and they wave as if to say thank you while you're shrugging your shoulders and wondering what else you could have done if the alternative was to take out their front end.

I'm not saying I don't like this. I do think I'll appreciate walking into a McDonald's back home (my universal pit stop when no other public restrooms are available), and not having anyone assume I need to use the bathroom, even when I do. But a tiny part of me will be a bit pissy when I'm looking for something in a store and the person will tell me where I can find it and then go back to stocking shelves. I may just ask them a few questions, like where they're from, why they're working there, what they consider good customer service to be, what they think about when they stock shelves all day, and maybe even whether they can walk me to the nearest restroom.